life is a thrill

You, yes you, are one of the 50 most loathsome Americans

Here's the list. You (and I) check in midway at number 26:

26. You

Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.

Jay Leno makes the list as well:

12. Jay Leno

Charges: Longtime font of tepid zingers and sad Kevin Eubanks banter, the Chin that ate Letterman went too far this year with his vainglorious quest to completely vanillify prime time comedy. But, like an obese, mustachioed stretch pants enthusiast, America simply wasn’t drunk enough at 10 to find Leno attractive. While technically not an ‘09 infraction, his decision to bump Coco—rather than have the sack to break contract—is only further testament to the man’s largely undeserved ego. Seriously, Jay, stop buying cars already.
Exhibit A: Makes Jimmy Fallon seem hilarious.
Sentence: New gig as Craig Ferguson’s eyebrow handler.

But Beck is number one.

1. Glenn Beck

Charges: As the Sybil of cable punditry and graduate of the prestigious University of I Don’t Remember, Beck’s bipolar professor routine is hands down the funniest thing on TV. When he gets out the chalkboard and starts drawing trees and playing misspelled word association games with a comically grave demeanor, Beck makes Stephen Colbert look like a piker. The fact that millions of Americans think he knows what he’s talking about, however, is not funny at all. If this simpering boob, blubbering the same old reds-under-the-bed melodrama from the ‘50s with a sophomoric Da Vinci Code twist, is the face of the people’s rebellion, sign us up for the empire.
Exhibit A: “This president has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture… I’m not saying that he doesn’t like white people.”
Sentence: Drowned in crocodile tears; eaten by crocodile.

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Top 10 Musics of 2008

I’m finding it harder and harder to pay attention to new music. That’s just how it goes. But for what it’s worth, here are the 10 records that poked my body with a stick. These are the 10 records that made me remember I’m kinda into music. And why.

1. Blitzen Trapper – Furr: A pitch-perfect amalgamation of mid-90s indie rock and classic rock. The title track is also my favorite song released this year. If you like both Pavement and Bob Dylan, you should just buy this. Thank me later.
2. MGMT – Oracular Spectacular: I kept hearing their songs on the radio. And I kept having fun. That never, ever happens. With MGMT, it doesn’t stop. Their major label debut unashamedly aims for entertainment, and yet it’s the most consistent, professional record I heard this year.
3. Bon Iver – For Emma Forever Ago: Bon Iver’s spare acoustic arrangements are bare whispers, but when his voice opens up, it fills a room. It fills your belly and chest with a warm physical response you’d swear was spiritual. It sounds corny, but these are primal hymns; not written so much as discovered.
4. Drive-By Truckers – Brighter than Creation’s Dark: It’s been years since I was enthusiastic about the sort of alt. country popularized by Uncle Tupelo and the Jayhawks. And I’ve never liked DBT. Until now. This 19-track opus is a filler-free tour de-force that brings all the genre’s best features into sharp focus. I recommend “The Righteous Path” for downloading.
5. No Age – Nouns: Is it punk noise? Noise pop? I don’t know. Don’t care. It comes out your speakers like a great rock band getting smothered under a pillow. The sound barely escaping the edges, but still urgent, still powerful, still able to move its legs and kick you in the balls.
6. The Dodos – Visitor: I’ll repeat what I said earlier… “Remember how everyone got excited over Vampire Weekend and their college rock cross-pollination of genres and rhythms? Their Gap-ready adventurism? Their Saturday Night Live performance? The Dodos are the band all those people should have been excited about.” New rule: every acoustic band should hire a metal drummer.
7. Jay Reatard – Matador Singles ‘08: When I saw Reatard live, he mostly just shredded my ears with volume and behaved like an ass. So I was hella suprised when I discovered his singles (including Matador’s earlier ‘06-‘07 collection) were tiny, perfectionist blasts of punk-drenched pop. As prolific as Bob Pollard, this dude’s batting average is a lot higher thanks to a welcome song-by-song focus on quality control.
8. Kurt Vile – Constant Hitmaker: There was a time when any dude with a four-track could rule Pitchfork and the world if he put together a few good songs. Now that everyone’s got ProTools and gobs of digital storage, lo-fi masterworks are harder to come by. But Vile’s “Don’t Get Cute,” with it’s cheap drum machine and reverb-soaked vocals, is my new mix-tape jam. Recommended for fans of East River Pipe.
9. Papermoons – New Tales: These two guys were Houston’s best band before they left town, and New Tales was Houston’s best local release in 2008. There’s no shortage of wistful, minimalist pop-craft in Houston or anywhere else. So Papermoons have lots of peers, but their songs are peerless wonders.
10. Ladyhawke – S/T: I think eMusic put it best in their blurb for this album, “Nervy New Zealander offers a dozen-plus rewrites of ‘Bette Davis Eyes.’ And, yes, that's a good thing.” Hell yes it is. Pip Brown is an 80s auteur, with full mastery of the decade’s best tricks and tropes. Until they make a time machine, this is your best ticket back back to the roller rink. All skate.

Links in this post are to eMusic or Lala.com (my favorite music site of 2008).

Want to know what me and my pals are downloading as it happens? Check out my new blog, The Downloaders. If you’re my pal, you should also be a Downloader.

Thanks for reading. See you in 2009.

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