You, yes you, are one of the 50 most loathsome Americans
Here's the list. You (and I) check in midway at number 26:
26. You
Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.
Jay Leno makes the list as well:
12. Jay Leno
Charges: Longtime font of tepid zingers and sad Kevin Eubanks banter, the Chin that ate Letterman went too far this year with his vainglorious quest to completely vanillify prime time comedy. But, like an obese, mustachioed stretch pants enthusiast, America simply wasn’t drunk enough at 10 to find Leno attractive. While technically not an ‘09 infraction, his decision to bump Coco—rather than have the sack to break contract—is only further testament to the man’s largely undeserved ego. Seriously, Jay, stop buying cars already.
Exhibit A: Makes Jimmy Fallon seem hilarious.
Sentence: New gig as Craig Ferguson’s eyebrow handler.
But Beck is number one.
1. Glenn Beck
Charges: As the Sybil of cable punditry and graduate of the prestigious University of I Don’t Remember, Beck’s bipolar professor routine is hands down the funniest thing on TV. When he gets out the chalkboard and starts drawing trees and playing misspelled word association games with a comically grave demeanor, Beck makes Stephen Colbert look like a piker. The fact that millions of Americans think he knows what he’s talking about, however, is not funny at all. If this simpering boob, blubbering the same old reds-under-the-bed melodrama from the ‘50s with a sophomoric Da Vinci Code twist, is the face of the people’s rebellion, sign us up for the empire.
Exhibit A: “This president has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture… I’m not saying that he doesn’t like white people.”
Sentence: Drowned in crocodile tears; eaten by crocodile.
